Dental Damn

So my dreams of a non-braces wedding were dashed yesterday by my dentist. I will be wed in full-on teeth metal.

Paul has never kissed me without braces. And now he's marrying me, teeth unseen. What if we get married, I get my braces off, and I'm a bad kisser? Yeah, you're right. That would NEVER happen. Once good kisser, always a good kisser. If anything, it'll be better without the braces. Like sex without the condom. But with teeth. And metal.

Not-So Mellow Yellow

When I first got my braces put on, I was given the option of picking the color of the bands that hold on the wire running across my upper jaw.

There was probably about 20 colors to chose from ranging from grey [too boring and/or robotic] to pink [too girlie] to orange [too raver] to blue [too boyish] to green [needs no further explanation]. This is to make braces wearing fun for the children and teenagers of the world, who account for 99.9% of the braces wearing population. The dentist that was doing my braces told me that pink and purple were the most popular colors for girls. Uh huh.

I had to choose wisely because the bands would be on for 4 weeks. Hmmm...let's be logical about this...what's going to match with most of my clothes and accesories. Being the smarty-thinking-ahead kind of gal that I am, I went with white (which for those of you in the "know" realize that white is not an actual color but I digress). My rational was that at least it would look natural, and minimize the visual effects of the grey metal against my teeth.

And it worked. From Wednesday to Saturday, I was told by coworkers, family and friends that you could barely notice I had braces at all. Naturally, I gave myself a hearty pat on the back.

That Saturday I went over to Liam's for supper, etc. Since my teeth were still very tender, he put careful thought into the menu, and what I was actually going to be able to tongue on the roof of my mouth and then swallow.

Liam is a fabulous cook. He likes things spicey - just like me. He decided to cook up a yummy curry, mushroom, pepper and potato dish. It was sooooooo delicious.

After supper I headed to the bathroom to brush/floss/mouthwash [repeat] the gobs of food stuck in my braces. Imagine my shock and horror when I looked in the mirror and noticed that my nice white bands were now a bright glowing neon curry-yellow color.

I brushed and brushed and brushed (all the while trying not to piss myself laughing). Still bright yellow. It reminded me of that episode on Friends when Ross whiten's his teeth and they glow in the dark. Now instead of looking like I had white teeth, I looked like I was a three pack a day smoker. My only consolation was knowing that at least they weren't green (or even much worse, brown).

When I went to the dentist for a quick check up the next week, I ran into the dentist that put on my braces and told her my funny story (of which I'm sure there will be lots over the course of the next two years). Without missing a beat, she said, "Oh didn't I tell you that? And, mustard is just as bad."

Alrighty then. Lesson learned.

Maybe next time I'll just get pink. Then at least I'll look like I have gum disease instead.

Waa-Waa Whaa-Whaa

Ever wonder what it would be like to talk like Charlie Brown's teacher for a day?

Me either.

Sadly, the fates have other plans for me.

Right about now it feels as though the thorny crown of Jesus (a la his crucifixition) has been shoved right into my mouth. Actually, more like a new-age thorny Jesus crown made of metal instead of wood. Same great gashes and tears, without the wooden aftertaste.

Perhaps the pain meds and booze are wearing off.

Perhaps this is the kind of pain men feel when they receive a quick sharp kick to the kajones. Except the pain is in my cheeks. Like a set of aching throbbing cheek kajones.

And the pain meds and booze are working again.

The Last Supper

Tomorrow morning I'm getting my braces on.

Tonight I wanted to go crazy for my "last supper" so I could enjoy all these foods I'm not going to be able to eat for a FEW YEARS! Like poutine...Mmmmm...

I was heading over to my Nan's to help her with some chores and told her not to make supper, as I was bringing something delicious. She'd already had a pork chop dinner in the works. "But Nan, I wanted something good," I said.

Oops. I didn't mean it like that.

So then I felt guilty and agreed to eat the pork chops. That was my last supper. Of great substance anyway.

What bothers me the most is how girls keep telling me how braces will be a great way to lose weight. Uh huh. I don't want to lose weight. Any thinner and I'd make Nicole Ritchie look fat.

But seriously...I'm super stressed right now about my impending dental fusion with metal. I'll be ok after that initial mirror reveal, but until then, pray for me :)

Brace Yourself

This is Cindy. Cindy Crawford. See how happy she looks! Heck, there's even a sparkle in her smile.

It's almost as if she's glad to be wearing braces. Ofcourse, she's probably only 16 in this photo. And it's quite natural for a 16 year old to be wearing braces, and be happy about all the nice things that braces will do for them. I wonder if anyone ever called Cindy Crawford "metal mouth". Probably not.

At 30 (plus 7 and 3/4 months) I am about to get my very own set of hardware. I am not comforted by the fact that Cindy Crawford can make even braces look delightful. I am not Cindy Crawford. And I am not 16.

There are pros and cons to getting them and not getting them. It's definately not for superficial reasons. There are alternatives (like capping all my teeth) but that doesn't sound like something I'd like to have done, even though it is very "in" in Hollywood.

I have questions that I know my dentist can answer, like is pizza in or out? Can I have the clear kind or is it strickly silver for me. And how far can those little elastic thingys shoot?

I wonder what certain things will be like, things that I'm not going to be asking my dentist about, like is kissing going to be weird or painful, or weird and painful? And will I be avoided by men everywhere like some sort of dental leper. Etc, etc.

I have nightmares about my braces getting caught on obscure and ordinary things like tongue rings, chest hair and couches. Perhaps this is just wishful thinking.

Pity Party - table for one?

I'm reminded of the phrase often used by an esteemed colleague that seems quite fitting in this case, "Suck it up!"

Thsssexy Like Cindy Brady

Yessterday was D day. No, not THAT D day. The other one...the day I went to the dentisth. And, no that was not a sspelling error. Neither wass that.

My brand sspanking new sshiney plastic and wire oral applicancess has given me a lisp. Yess folks, I'm the proud owner of my very own sspeech impediment. Ssuper.

It's alsso made people not want to ssthand in front of me when I sspeak, probably due to the exsthreme amount of ssalvia I'm creating and ssubssequently projecting.

I desided to write thiss blog exsactly as I would ssay it. Which is quite hard come to think of it so I'll stop now.

In addition to my new hardware, I'm also consuming a bevy of vitamins and muscle relaxers. So at least now I'm somewhat calm about my lisp. In fact, I'm so relaxed it's slowing down my typing quite a bit. See how slow that was?

It's not just the drugs that are affecting me though. People are treating me differently. My coworkers think my new way of speaking is "cute" and "adorable" like Cindy Brady. Sure, Cindy might have been cute till she opened her mouth, then she was just plain ****ing annoying. I'm not a snitcher, I just tell it like it is!

Strangers just stare at me with this look. You know the one...big sympathic eyes, tilted head to the right. Yeah, like that one you're doing right now. It's given me a new appreciation for speech imperfections. My dentist assures me it will go away. When it does, and I meet someone who still has their speech impediment, I won't point and laugh at the dorks like I used to. No, I'll give them a hug and say, "Some day, some one will love you, you dork."

For me, it's not just about the variation of speech in my effort to realign my jaw. I can't eat anything hard. Actually, even soft things are challenging. It took me 60 minutes to eat 3/4 of a biscuit because you can't chew, but just mush things with your tongue. Possible side-effect: unplanned weight loss.

I guess I'll have to add "Realign Jaw" to my list. Unless ofcourse, I missed the episode where Cindy Brady gets asked out on a date. Then again, she was only ten on the show. But still. In the words of Cindy, "I'm cool but no boy ever calls me for a soda." You said it Cindy, you said it.

Random Compliment, #2

Yesterday morning, I spent an hour in my dentist's chair only to find out my brand spanking new oral appliances (one for day, one for night) didn't fit properly. In fact, my daytime appliance got stuck on my lower teeth. And since I am sporting a pair of french tip fake nails, I couldn't be of any assistance. In fact, this is one of many times during this week I needed assistance because of my nails (starting a new roll of tape for my dispenser, folding socks, and zipping up my pants to name a few). But they look fabulous.

My dentist is part of some cutting edge stuff when it comes to minimizing the effects of TMJ. If this doesn't work, I'll have to get braces. It's my teenage nightmare coming true, 15 years later. Only worse. Braces in high school are common; a fair share of nerds, geeks and uber band geeks get them. But women, single women at that, single sexy women at the age of 30... name one. Ok, possibly me.

Apparently, it isn't bad enough that my current night appliance slightly resembles the plastic mouth guard worn by sports participants like boxers and hockey players. It makes it quite difficult to talk providing a slight lisp, and ups the drool factor when sleeping. Painting a pretty picture eh? Needless to say, I've only ever had one boyfriend I felt comfortable enough wearing it around. And, he was usually asleep when I put it in. Strangely enough my last boyfriend had the exact same mouth guard; at first I thought it was a sign that he might be "the one". [Note to self: plastic mouth accessories are not relationship indicators].

Back in my dentist's chair...

My dentist is telling me they'll have to take another mold of my upper jaw, when in walks an old man. He's completely starting at me (in his defence I did have on my very flatering pink v-neck long-sleeve clingy cotton t-shirt).

Old Man: "Wow, you are beautiful! I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. "
Me: [blushing] "Why thank you" [I smile]
Old Man: "Are you married?"
Me: "No, I'm divorced."
Old Man: "What the hell was wrong with your husband? You're beautiful. If I was 90 years younger, I'd be on you. You're so beautiful."
Me: "Um, thanks, you're sweet." [and slightly perverted]
Dentist: "Now [Old Man's Name] you've been married for 64 years, you don't want to start getting into trouble now."
Old Man: "Are you kidding, look at her. Why do you get all the pretty ones Doctor? Must be your sex appeal." [chuckles]

If you knew my dentist, you would also chuckle. Sex appeal = zero. I think it's partly due to the the large wooly-esque caterpillars, er....eyebrows he sports.

The old man proceeded to ask me questions about where I was from and left after giving me a Worthens candy; I saved it (you know, in case it had love potion #9 in it or something). Then I thanked him as he'd made my day. Because truthfully, old man or not, he did. It had less to do with what he said, and more to do with his intention, trying to bring a smile to someone's face.

Wait a minute, am I getting philosophical here? Must have been that glass of rum ;)