Math Problem

At lunch, I read the soup can labels, opting to go with the "Garden Tomato" which had only 120 calories (versus the "Creamy Tomato" with 170 calories) all the while thinking to myself that now I could "afford" to get the Sour Cream n' Onion bag of chips that had my name on it. Oh. Yes. I. Did.

Talk To The Booty, 'Cause the Face Ain't Listening

I can always tell when I've gained a bit of weight, usually because my bikini briefs could be mistaken for a thong.

Working 9 to 5

I was really hoping to win the lottery last night so that I could call in "rich" to work today.

Sounds Like "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"

4 pairs of pants in the closet, 4 pairs of pants... [that fit]
Wash a pair, your fiance puts them in the dryer
3 pairs of GD pants that fit your fat ass in the closet

Fly Away

Have you ever been not paying attention and then you look down and notice your maxi pad has fallen from your hand into the toilet.

Brings new meaning to the phrase "with wings". As if.

Random Compliment, #8

Supervisor: "I am really intimidated by your hair today."
What I Said: "And look. I can even do the Charlie's Angels hair swish."
[does sexy hair swishy flip thingy]
What I Should Have Said: "My hair just said to give me a 10% raise."

Random Compliment, #7

Supervisor: "You look amazing today Erika. You are way too sexy for this office."
What I Said: "Um, thanks. I think."
What I Should Have Said: "Ooo. You noticed too eh?"

After Taste

I've been sipping the same cup of coffee since 8:30 am this morning (it's now 10:38 am) and said cup of coffee (from sounds like Jim Nortons) has been reheated three times and now has the undeniable taste of ass (or at least what I think ass might taste like if it was made into a liquidy brown drink with caffine) so I guess that means my breath smells like shit and my mouth is a quasi asshole.

Technical Difficulties

You know it's going to be a fun day when you try to send a fax with the photocopier.

If My Life Was A Movie

If my life was made into a movie it would be called "Broke Ass Mountain."