Thursday, September 28, 2006

Thsssexy Like Cindy Brady

Yessterday was D day. No, not THAT D day. The other one...the day I went to the dentisth. And, no that was not a sspelling error. Neither wass that.

My brand sspanking new sshiney plastic and wire oral applicancess has given me a lisp. Yess folks, I'm the proud owner of my very own sspeech impediment. Ssuper.


It's alsso made people not want to ssthand in front of me when I sspeak, probably due to the exsthreme amount of ssalvia I'm creating and ssubssequently projecting.


I desided to write thiss blog exsactly as I would ssay it. Which is quite hard come to think of it so I'll stop now.

In addition to my new hardware, I'm also consuming a bevy of vitamins and muscle relaxers. So at least now I'm somewhat calm about my lisp. In fact, I'm so relaxed it's slowing down my typing quite a bit. See how slow that was?

It's not just the drugs that are affecting me though. People are treating me differently. My coworkers think my new way of speaking is "cute" and "adorable" like Cindy Brady. Sure, Cindy might have been cute till she opened her mouth, then she was just plain ****ing annoying. I'm not a snitcher, I just tell it like it is!

Strangers just stare at me with this look. You know the one...big sympathic eyes, tilted head to the right. Yeah, like that one you're doing right now. It's given me a new appreciation for speech imperfections. My dentist assures me it will go away. When it does, and I meet someone who still has their speech impediment, I won't point and laugh at the dorks like I used to. No, I'll give them a hug and say, "Some day, some one will love you, you dork."

For me, it's not just about the variation of speech in my effort to realign my jaw. I can't eat anything hard. Actually, even soft things are challenging. It took me 60 minutes to eat 3/4 of a biscuit because you can't chew, but just mush things with your tongue. Possible side-effect: unplanned weight loss.

I guess I'll have to add "Realign Jaw" to my list. Unless ofcourse, I missed the episode where Cindy Brady gets asked out on a date. Then again, she was only ten on the show. But still. In the words of Cindy, "I'm cool but no boy ever calls me for a soda." You said it Cindy, you said it.


10 comments:

Peter DeWolf said...

I hope you get used to it quickly. I had braces as a teen and for 2 or 3 days after an adjustment, it was impossible to eat.

My dentist was just learning how to do braces and I was one of his first guinea pigs. My father used to have to trim extra wire - that was digging into my jaw - with giant pliers. Good times.

Erika said...

You're not cheering me up btw.

That story reminds me of the time I got my naval and nose pierced. I was allergic to the metal rings, and my Dad had to use two sets of pliers to remove them. Hours later...

Peter DeWolf said...

Ouch. Sorry about the lack o' cheering up. Most people enjoy laughing at my misfortune.

Cruel bastards...

Anonymous said...

is this a karma thing?

Kirsten said...

That's too funny. I can't wait to hear you sspeak. Remember this ssituation will pay off in the near future. Hang in there ssister.

julie said...

I love me some Cindy Brady! Do you have a doll named Kitty Carryall, too? And a dog named Tiger who stole her and hid her in his doghouse?

Just wondering.

Erika said...

Peter: Don't worry, you can make it up to me.

Sean: I'm a civil servant so I've already earned enough good karma for my next two lives at least.

Kirsten: Thanks for not laughing to my face.

Julie: The lisp is quite enough.

Sean said...

holy how geeky is julie to know all of that about cindy brady? skeeeeery.

Peter DeWolf said...

I'm a good maker upperer.

(That was fun to type.)

Anonymous said...

Awwwww that's so cute....

You know who you remind me of?

Jan Brady. ;)

Steve~