Friday, October 31, 2008

Fly Away

Have you ever been not paying attention and then you look down and notice your maxi pad has fallen from your hand into the toilet.

Brings new meaning to the phrase "with wings". As if.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm "It"

I've been tagged by the devine Delicieux over at Cynically Yours. It's been so long since I've been tagged I hope I remember how know, do IT. Like riding a bicycle I suspose, but without all the ass chapping.

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?
Yes, but only the really interesting ones. Actually, that's not true. My best friend in the WORLD was Cindy (her real name). Cindy was my invisible friend when I was a kid. Until that fateful day when my sister Kiki stole Cindy from me. And my world was never quite the same. I've had the same girlfriends since junior high. Not sure why they put up with me. But they do

2. What do you value most about your friends?

My friends make me laugh, they make me cry. They know when I need to be bitch slapped, they know when I need to be hugged. They are loyal and protective and there for me when I need them. We don't need to be in contact 24/7. If it's been a while, we pick up right where we left off. There's no ego's involved. Except my gigantic one.

3. Are your friends your sounding boards?

No. I keep my ideas to myself. That way no one thinks I've completely lost it and become a nutter. Some times I write about my ideas. Like this.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with your friends?

Pillow fights, in our underwear. Like you couldn't guess.

And now according to the rules, I have to list 5 things under each of the following headers, and pass this award on to 5 more people

10 Years ago I:
- Was newly seperated from my husband
- Was a single mother
- Had a mad crush on my info systems professor
- Weighed 115 pounds
- Was so poor I washed our clothes in the bath tub

5 things on today's "To do" list:
- Sign up for NaNoWriMo
- Help Aidan with his school project (I want an A!)
- Kiss Paul
- Drink a glass of wine, ok maybe three
- Tackle the laundry

5 snacks that I enjoy:
- Wine (it's a snack right?)
- Cheddar cheese
- Cheesecake bites
- Chippies
- Paul

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire:
- Quit my job, seriously
- Pay off my debts (hmmm, that would only leave a couple bucks ;)
- Pay a shrink to fix my airplane phobia
- Travel the world
- Have a personal massage therapist and hairdresser on staff, 24/7, mmmmmm

5 places that I have lived:
- in a womb
- in an apartment
- in a condo
- in a rental house
- in my own house

5 jobs that I have had:
- Waitress
- Private Investigator
- Personal Assistant
- Reporter
- Editor
Alrightly, that about does it for this tagged chicka. I know I'm supposed to tag 5 people. But I'm a rebel. I roll like that ;)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sins I've Committed (Today)

In no random order, these are the things I've done today that will probably ensure I'm headed down under (and I don't mean Australia).

Sin #1: I'm very spoiled since moving in with Paul. He makes me coffee every morning, and delivers it to me when I step out of the shower all clean and shiney. It's my princess moment. Well, Paul's away on business this week. And this morning I didn't have time to make my morning coffee. There was too much morning stuff to do., making breakfast. Ok, technically I didn't make breakfast, I just opened an Ensure shake. But the shake cap was on like really really tight. So, I was just lazy and didn't feel like making the coffee. Whatever. I'm not one to apply labels. Liar!

To solve all my caffine problems, I hit the Sounds Like Jim Nortons drive-thru and ordered 2 coffees - a medium double double for the drive and a large triple triple for starters. Which lead to...

Sin #2: When I gave the Sounds Like Jim Nortons girl my money, I gave her an extra 12 cents for a tip. Not 10%, but this blog doesn't generate an income. Being the polite Sounds Like Jim Nortons girl that she was, she tried to give me back my change. Like as if I can't add or something. But instead of saying, "do you want your 12 cents?" I hear "do you want your 2 cents?" Tempting but, um no. I don't. And I didn't even bother to correct her. Perhaps I should have, she probably needs the cash to pick up some elective math classes at the local elementary school.

Sin #3: This was my favorite sin of the day by far. I went to Old Navy to shop for a cute coat for the cold Canadian chilly days. I picked three colorful contenders and went to try them on. The Old Navy chick asked me my name for their [dumb-ass] white boards on the dressing room door. I said "Ann." It took all my mite not to giggle. It made it all the better when she asked, "Do you spell that A-N-N or A-N-N-E?" So I mocked, "It doesn't matter, I'll answer to either."

If you can't have a little fun...Oh hell. Tee hee.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Caveman Is As Caveman Does

Last night Paul and I went to a "Black Shirt Party" at his coworker's apartment.

When we arrived the ratio of women to men was 6 to 1, with Paul being the lone male. The lone wolf. The alpha male. We made ourselves at home on a nice large ottoman. We chatted, we laughed, we watched one of the party-goers demonstrate how she can put both her legs behind her head at the same time. I kid you not. And, it's not as impressive as it sounds. Ok, it actually doesn't even sound impressive, just a whole lotta hussy.

About a half hour later, the number of men climbed to 2 with the addition of another of Paul's [married] coworkers. I opted to move to a chair because my back was not digging ottoman style sitting. We chatted, we laughed, we watched the bendy party-goer almost fall out of her shirt every time she inhaled.

Twenty minutes later, the number of men was at an all-evening high of 4 when single guy #1 and #2 arrived. I was still in my chair and Paul was still on the ottoman nearby. Quicker than you can say "caveman" Paul put his hand on my leg. Ok, a not-so-subtle mark-your-girl move. The guys mixed their drinks in the kitchen and then joined the rest of the party goers in the livingroom. Paul leaned over, way over, so he was leaning into my lap. I was worried that at any moment he was going to start peeing around me.

I guess the ways of the caveman (or canine) are alive and leaning.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Today's Post Is Brought To You By The Letter "B" (as in bedroom)

Getting used to sharing a bed with someone EVERY NIGHT is taking some getting used to. After 10 years of sleeping soundly (mostly with myself), my body has hardwired itself. Developed a bed memory if you will. And that memory is stretching out in all four directions at the same time. Kind of like a weather vane, but much more graceful and less iron-y.

Paul says for such a little woman, I manage to take up a whole lotta bed. And my bed spreading powers enable me to push around a 200+ pound man of muscle to the furthest nether regions of the bed corners and make him curl up like a prison mate at lights out. To my credit, this is done while I'm totally asleep.

Thursday evening, we were snuggling in for the night. But I needed more room...

Me: "Beep. Beep."

Who says that? A car horn, yes. A grown woman, no. Or she shouldn't (unless she's talking to her toddler and even then, never in public).

I couldn't help but burst out laughing. It WAS pretty funny. And automatic. I can only wonder what else I've been mindlessly muttering. At least I didn't say, "Assume the position bitch."

Think this post was the beep? Rate it on

Friday, October 17, 2008

Liar Liar

[Interior...Jim Norton's]

Me: [Waiting patiently in line for my turn to get my usual sweet delicious need-it-to-think large triple triple coffee]
Jim Norton's Girl: "Hey, where've ya been? I haven't seen you all week."
Me: [Looking around to see who this chick is talking to. She's looking at me.]
Me: "I've been here every day this week."
Jim Norton's Girl: "Liar."
Me: [blink blink] "The only day I wasn't here was yesterday." [Why do I even feel the need to explain my whereabouts to the coffee shop girl?]
Jim Norton's Girl: "Oh ya, I've been working all nights. That explains it."
Me: [Yes, but that doesn't explain you're crazy and possibly a stalker. Moving slowly away from the crazy Jim Norton's girl, avoiding eye contact]

Perhaps it's an extra-large coffee day.

Think this post was full of extra-large goodness? Rate it on

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


Paul and I decided to buy a do-it-yourself make-your-own-wine-kit as our first grown-up homeowner task. And by "together" I mean Paul's doing it. Originally, we thought making our own wine would be fun! A good story! [Notice the foreboding via exclamation marks].

We also thought it would be less expensive than the current $50/week bill at the LC [that's Liqour Commission for you non-Canadians]. The wine kit cost $100 Cdn and makes 30 bottles of wine. That's just over $3 a bottle! Until we realized we didn't have 30 empty wine bottles laying around. So we had to start buying more wine to drink to get empty wine bottles to fill with our home made wine. You can see the vicious cycle that's immerging.

Sure, right now the wine smells like dirty socks. But whatever. How hard can it be to make a good vintage wine? Wait, don't answer that. At the very least, we'll have 30 future Happy this-and-that gifts for people we don't especially like.

Oh who am I kidding. I'll drink it. Besides, nothing could come close to the "Redhead-Next-Door special" I made as a teenager (back when I used to help myself to my parents liquor cabinet but before I grew balls and wanted my premature batender skills to go unnoticed). I mixed a touch of rum, vodka, peach schnapps, cherry liqueur, mint vermouth, whiskey, and whatever the hell else was in there T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R, into a gigantic sports water bottle. And drank it. Or tried to. With my best friend Terri. Now she had balls. It had quite the after taste (the drink, as opposed to someones balls, although...). And during taste (again, the drink and not balls, although...).

Perhaps I should quit while I'm ahead should have quit while I was ahead.
Did this post give you a buzz? Rate it on

Monday, October 13, 2008

Thanksgiving Misgivings

For all my non-Canadian readers, it's Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, which means several things...

#1. We relish the fact we're celebrating Thanksgiving before the Americans (we're such pioneers in Canada! After all, we did invent such trendy things as the Tuque and Celine Dion).

#2. We get to count our blessings and be thankful and all that crap for how "utterly" fantastic our lives are and rainbows shine out our arses and such.

#3. We get to eat. A lot. And then feel really really full. As in, my turkey has a first name, it's v-o-m-i-t.

But for me this Thanksgiving is all about getting organized and trying to unfuckup some parts of my life that could use a bit of spit polish. Example one: this blog. I've gotten out of the habit of posting (which I hate) because it's so theraputic to write about my causalities of pride. And there's so much to write about. Really. It's amazing I have any pride left. [Ok, I don't actually have any pride left, I just have a really big ego that spurs me on.]

Get ready for a supersized blog-blitz of juice-tastic proportions.

Monday, October 06, 2008

It's Monday...

Within the first 30 minutes of the alarm clock going off, I've managed to...

a) break the top off the shampoo bottle and send it sailing across the bathroom
b) put shaving cream in my hair instead of conditioner
c) watch my nipples morph turn into mini-self-propelled-rockets as I run out of hot water and enjoy the benefits of a cold morning shower (benefits = 0)

It's amazing I managed to leave the house this morning.