Tuesday, November 21, 2006

All I Want For Christmas (Or At Least 90% Of It)

Saturday morning I got an email from my sister [and fellow blogger], Kirsten, asking me what I wanted for Christmas. To assist my sister (and anyone else who might be Christmas shopping for moi) I decided to do a list of...

The Top 10 Things I Want This Year for Christmas [in no particular order]:

1. T-shirts with slogans " Writer's do it with action verbs" and "You are so NOT going in my book" and "You don't want to know where I get my ideas".

A Sarcastic Ball from Office Playground. Sample messages include: "Dumb Question Ask Another", "In Your Dreams", "Not A Chance", "That's Ridiculous", "Yeah and I'm the Pope" and my personal fav "When Monkeys Fly Out Of My Butt". Ok, I made that last one up. It's not included but feel free to use it at your discretion.

3. To enjoy a old ol' fashioned turkey dinner the way it was meant to be tasted...without being pureed. Goodbye oral appliance! And while I [temporarily] have it out how about...

A passionate-as-hell kiss under the mistletoe. We're talking high-caliber front cover of the Harlequin romance novel type of kiss.

Swiss Army Knife multi-tool key-ring attachment, for the Single Handy Girl in all of us just waiting to get out.

6. Gift certificate for LaSenza.
I repeat, s-l-o-w-l-y, LaSenza.

7. Personal chef/ robot for those days I just don't feel like cooking. Ok, that would be just about everyday.

Toyota MR2 in cream (hey, a girl can dream!)

A one-year subscription to Glamour magazine. To stay in the know on "important" matters like the lastest blow-out techniques and aucurrent lipstick colors.

Big bag of Tangy Tarts. Mmmmmmm full of tangy tarty goodness.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm...

You get out of your car and go into the store. You're just picking up a couple of "necessities" hair dye and lip gloss.

You get back in your car, purchases in hand, only to feel something on the back of your pants.

Oh no. Oh no. It is ketchup. Left over from your drive home from the big city. Who said eating an A&W Teen Burger combo in the dark while driving [and singing] was easy?

You feel silly. The sales clerk didn't mention anything. Oh no. Did she even know it was ketchup? She probably thought it was...you know.

And then you feel it. The ketchup package also stuck to your pants AND a pickle. Yep, I'm sure she thought it was ketchup.

Single Girl's Guide to Being Handy: Tip #1

Here's the scenario...

You've retired to your fru-fru hotel room for the evening, intent on catching up on some "Sell This House" episodes. After all, carpenters put the handsome in handy. Or something like that. [You don't think well on an empty stomach in this scenario].

You grab a drink, from the four-pack of Pina Colada Bacardi Breezers you drove an extra half hour out of your commute to purchase, at the only liquor store open on Sunday.

You grab a white fru-fru hotel towel from the bathroom so you don't do a number on your nails, and use it to cover the top of the bottle whilst you give a quick twist. But the top doesn't come off. You're really going to town but the cap isn't budging. And then you realize...

Pina Colada Bacardi Breezers aren't twist caps. Frantically, you search your fru-fru hotel room for a bottle opener. Nada. Ok, breathe. You've just got to put those brains to good use and come up with an invention. A bottle cap opener invention. Easy peezy.

Look for something metal you can use for leverage...the lamp? No. The iron? No. The bath tub water spout. No. Getting warmer. The remote control? **** no. It's plastic. You were doing better in the bathroom. Go back in there.

And then, it appears. The small metal square plate on the door frame. Where the movable metal thingy from the door knob clicks in to. Yeah - that! This can be used to pry each little individual groove of the bottle cap open slightly. Then after about a good 10-15 minutes work, presto! You are ready to consume a Pina Colada [or some similarly silly drink made by a manufacturer that has not come into this century and added twist-caps to their beverages].

See, you don't sweat it - you're single AND handy! Whatcha need a guy for when you got great inventions like this? Oh yeah, that whole "penis" thing. Damn.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

These Boobs Are Made For Walkin'

I'm not sure why, but anytime I gain weight it goes straight to the T&A area. Yes, you read me right...the T&A area. You know...the headlights & bumper, the jigs & reel, the alter & pew, etc etc.

When my "condition" flares up, eventually I become motivated to get back into my workout regimen [tae bo, roller skating, jello wrestling, jogging]. Lately I've noticed that jogging has become, shall we say, uncomfortable. My sports bra puts in a good effort but there's a bit too much forceful bouncing going on.

Naturally this reminds me of the slow-mo running down the beach rescue sequences from Baywatch. How did Pamela Anderson, who is a few sizes (a dozen?) larger than my modest C cup, run in a bathsuit which offers almost zero support? Maybe if you're paid a high salary running foot loose and chesty free doesn't bother you.

Maybe you do it because your male director told you to.

What if when guys gained weight, it went right to your round and wrinklies? I bet that male director wouldn't be up for some running then. Unless he was carefully cradled in a Speedo. But then that would remind me of this...

And I would forget the point of this blog post...if there was one.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Jiggle Bells

[to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"...}

Lunch bell rings...are you listenin'?
In the coffee shop, bagels glisten.
A beautiful sight, we're carb loading tonight.
I should be walking instead of sittin' on my ass.

Yes, dear readers. THAT picture (extreme right) was taken during our annual Supervisors Breakfast in October and provided the inspiration for the little didi I wrote above. Not that I didn't lick my lips at the pancakes and sausage and bacon (oh my!). I did. Should I have had seconds? Um, probably not.

I already have holiday eaters guilt and it isn't even December! I want to cringe instead of Kringle. [sigh] Sadly, now I am thinking of Pringles.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm heading into this holiday season single, with "D" day fast approaching. For all you marrieds and/or those in a committed shagging relationship, you might not know about D day (no no, not that one). For singles, D day usually falls at the end of the first week in December. We singles know that if we have not had at least a second date with someone by then, we will be officially single for the entire holiday season. That's Christmas AND New Year's Eve. That means no exchanging meaningless presents with a [could be special some day if one/both of you don't *** it up] someone, no groping about at office holiday parties, no playing sit on Santa's knee...er, you get the idea.

Not that I'm looking about anyway. You know, I'm working on the list and all that.

I've just been slightly unfocused lately. Which is so unlike me.

I guess I've got things on my mind. Like why my computer speakers no longer work for sound but will emit one side of a CB radio conversation. FYI - they say 10-4 a lot. And who will win the tacky-as-hell Dancing With the Stars trophy (please please be Mario). And how to forget about the sassy little size 5 black dress (maybe size 7 if I keep eating those bagels) that's just calling my name at Smart Set.

Plus, there's the whole novel thingy that I'm supposed to have half-way completed.

I guess there's only one thing I can do...

Bartender! I'll have a whiskey sour. And make it a double.**

** The Redhead-Next-Door does not condone drinking as a way to solve and/or forget about world problems/life concerns/fantasies about coworkers. But approves of drinking for it's intended medicinal use - writing an ok blog post.**

Monday, November 06, 2006

NaNoWriMo Procrastination Tips

For those of you living under a rock, November is National Novel Writing Month aka NaNoWriMo. Would be/ should be/ never be writer's sign up for the NaNoWriMo challenge...to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30. That's almost 1,700 words per day.

Understand and embrace the insanity of it all.

Day one, I wrote about 500 words. By day four, I was only at 1,000. I was quite pleased with my first page but pages 2-3 are complete and utter ***. Needless to say, I'm slightly behind schedule. And the more off-schedule I get, the easier it is to procrastinate.

So, in the name of even more procrastination, er, I mean research and information sharing purposes, I've come up with a list...

Ways to Procrastinate and Avoid Doing Your Daily NaNoWriMo Word Count:
- Write a blog post about procrastination
Wonder what it's really like to ride a unicycle
Run 6km
- Make delicious cup of coffee
- Music montage
to find the perfect work outfit for your appeal hearing tomorrow
- Do 4 loads of laundry
- Work on Career Theory parcticum that you forgot to submit before deadline last week
- Drink delicious coconut rum
- Resign yourself to the fact that Lance Bass and Neil Patrick Harris are gay but T.R. Knight...say it ain't so
- Drink more rum
- Try out new squash soup recipe (yummy!)
- Watch Corner Gas episode where Hank starts a blog
- Take a nap

Friday, November 03, 2006

Happy. Period.

[Note: If you are a guy reading this...Stop. Right. Now. Right now I say. You DO NOT want to read any more of this post. Trust me. And no, I'm not using reverse psychology.]

Every day, if you're attuned to the world and what's revolving on around you, you have the opportunity to learn something new. Maybe you have two coworkers meeting after-hours to go over spreadsheets roll over bedsheets.

Today I learned that Always wants women to "Have a happy period." And how am I privy to this information? They told me. Well, they didn't actually "tell" me. I read it. On one of their individually-wrapped products. It actually said "Have a happy period." Are you ****ing kidding me?

I was so offended I threw this product. Well, I didn't actually throw it. I wanted to. But I needed it.

This brilliant new marketing catch phrase must have been created by a man. And since I told the guys not to continue reading this post, they won't mind if I blame men for being insensitive and/or not having a clue. About Periods.

Maybe it's just me, but I know when I'm retaining 5 pounds of fluid, so cranky that Simon Cowell looks like a polite alter boy compared to me, and there's that one pimple that came out of nowhere and has erupted into something the size of Jay Leno's chin, I'm not gonna have a happy period.

On the other hand, if you thought you might be pregnant. But you learned you weren't...I guess then you could have a happy period. You'd be all "Yeah, I'm not pregnant! I got my period." But that's probably the only time that would happen.

Unless ofcourse, if I have 2 L of "cookies and cream" ice cream sitting in front of me, big spoon in hand, while wearing my fat pants watching some senseless-dribble-of-a-movie like "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" that might make me have a happy... nope. It wouldn't. It might be a slightly better period. But that's it. Period.