Thanksgiving Misgivings

For all my non-Canadian readers, it's Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, which means several things...

#1. We relish the fact we're celebrating Thanksgiving before the Americans (we're such pioneers in Canada! After all, we did invent such trendy things as the Tuque and Celine Dion).

#2. We get to count our blessings and be thankful and all that crap for how "utterly" fantastic our lives are and rainbows shine out our arses and such.

#3. We get to eat. A lot. And then feel really really full. As in, my turkey has a first name, it's v-o-m-i-t.

But for me this Thanksgiving is all about getting organized and trying to unfuckup some parts of my life that could use a bit of spit polish. Example one: this blog. I've gotten out of the habit of posting (which I hate) because it's so theraputic to write about my causalities of pride. And there's so much to write about. Really. It's amazing I have any pride left. [Ok, I don't actually have any pride left, I just have a really big ego that spurs me on.]

Get ready for a supersized blog-blitz of juice-tastic proportions.

I Think I Love You (And You, And You, And Ooooo Definately You)

Happy Valentine's Day to all you singletons and smug marrieds out there in Bloggerland!

Unlike most Valentine Days, I did not harbour any bitterness to the lovey dovey couples of the world who continue to shamelessly flaunt their commitment to love. Nor did I feel the urge to biff a hard biscuit at the heads of couples strolling hand in hand down the sidewalk. And not once did I feel the need to puke at the sight of ugly girls on the arms of their obliviously cute boyfriends. Perhaps I have turned over a new leaf. And perhaps I've realized that even ugly people deserve to be happy.

It's turning out to be a banner year.

But seriously, this is the first Valentine's Day that I'm not sulking about feeling sorry for myself because I'm single. I was actually happy today instead milling about at the pity party.

To celebrate my lessons learned and personal growth, I bought myself some top notch flowers - after all, I deserve it. Personal growth is hard work! I also picked up a bottle of wine (which I'm already 3/4 of a glass into and becoming rather silly) and some portabello mushrooms so I can cook up my piece de la resistence - stuffed mushrooms! Yummy.

I guess I've learned to love the one you're with, even if you're the only one in the room. Because if you don't love yourself, who will.

Ok, that sounds way too philosophical this far into a glass of wine. Enjoy your awesomeness!

XOXO, Erika

V Is For...

Houston, we have a problem.

On Friday, I got lucky! A co-worker was selling tickets on a romantic weekend getaway package at a local chalet, and a gift certificate at a fancy restaurant. I was feeling lucky and purchased two tickets. One of which was the winning ticket. Two thumbs up.

My co-worker Rowan teased that now I just had to find someone to take. Uh huh. Without missing a beat, I told him it wouldn't be a problem and winked.

Except that it is a problem. Well, not a "problem"...there's no expirary date (on me or the getaway/ gift certificate). But there isn't anyone right now that I would take.

Which reminds me, things have been grounded with the Pilot. This is actually a good thing. He didn't make me want to throw up. This is actually a bad thing.

So, if you're keeping track, feeling like you're going to throw up when with a guy = good, not wanting to throw up when with a guy = bad. Everyone wants to feel those butterflies and not an empty void.

Also, in case you're keeping track - Valentine's Day is three days away. This year, I want to receive flowers from a secret admirer (or maybe a not-so-secret admirer). Not roses mind you, they're so overrated and cliche. Maybe a nice bouquet of daisies or something. Like he put some thought and personality into it.

Can you believe that some single women actually send flowers to themselves on Valentine's Day and pretend it's from a potential suitor? I could never imagine doing that [*cough cough*].

I've been reminded over the years on Valentine's Day how truely sweet and thoughtful guys can be. I think one of the best gifts I ever received was from my coworkers at the university radio station where I used to have a morning show. The guys chipped in and bought me chocolates and the sweetest card. I ended up finding out later that while they all adored me (naturally), they were actually from the station manager who secretly had a crush on me.

Sigh. Is it possible to get lucky twice in one week?

Happy Holiday!

I bet you didn't even know today was a holiday!

Today's International Drive Like An Asshole day - and EVERYBODY'S celebrating...

Unlike other international holidays, you don't need fancy colorful decorations, yummy calorie filled sweets, or shiny sparkly presents for that special someone. In fact, all you need is you. And some bad driving habits. Mullet optional (you know what they say - "business in the front, party in the back").

Why spend the time and energy on "normal" holidays when you can be an asshole for free? [Free does not include the probable cost of increased insurance fees, accumulation of parking tickets and traffic violations.]

So when your friends get caught up in the commericalism of the "normal" holiday season, you can sleep (and act) like a baby by being the asshole you always knew you could be.

Who needs signal lights anyway? They're soooo overrated. Why roll gently to a stop when you can slam on the breaks and make that "skreeeeeeeech" noise with your tires! Talk about getting the attention of the ladies. Stud. Ooops, I meant stupid.

And amber lights don't mean caution, stop if you can - noooooooo, it means you should roar your engine and speed up to make it through the light. Jackass. Ooops, I did mean jackass.

So ask yourself, have you been an asshole today? Yeah, me too ;)

Top 10 Things to Tell Relatives Over the Holidays When Asked About Your Love Life

In retrospect, this information probably would have more useful prior to any holiday get-togethers with family and friends so that you could actually use any of these one line zingers should the occasion warrant. Oh well, timing was never my forte, just ask my ex-husband.

Warning: The following material is to be used with caution and while consuming alcohol - it'll make you sound much more believable. In fact people will feel so sorry for your [potentially] new found alcoholism that they probably won't probe any further. Yes, it's that easy. Above all, have fun with it. These are only ideas, but the possibilities are as endless as your imagination, and your supply of Argentinian wine.

Top 10 Things To Tell Relatives Over the Holidays When Asked About Your Love Life:
- Fabulous! In fact, there's someone I want you to meet [turn to the empty space beside you] and say "Brad [or other imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend's name] this is [name of nosey relative]. " You need to keep a straight face for this one.
- Do you think Mary ever asked Jesus about his love life?
- My therapist told me not to talk about him.
- "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh." If they ask you what that means say "That's Wookiee for none of your business."
- I was captured by a couple tall TALEs (Terrorists Against Love Everywhere). They implanted a tiny microchip into my brain. If I go out on a date again [narrow your eyes at this point for effect], the chip will self-destruct and I will die a painful death, more painful than watching any Madonna movie.
- My gynecologist told me not to talk about him. (Note: might only work if you're a girl).
- Ponder out loud, "What would Brian Boitano do?" And then do a triple axel in the direction of the kitchen.
- Say, "Hey, how's your sex life going?"

Ok, I know that's only 8 but what kind of relatives are you dealing with that you need 10? I'm not a machine you know. But I do like mechanics ;)

Coming Soon To A Blog Near You...

I've been out of the loop for a bit trying to get everything ready for Christmas - baking yummy treats, shopping, wrapping presents, and then there was that unfortunately incident with one of Santa's helpers at the mall...

But I digress.

I have some good** blog posts in the works and will get to them as soon as I can, and for as long as the wine lasts. Here's some of the shameless writings you can look forward to:
- Kissing Balls, and Other Things Not To Be Talked About At the Office
- Sweet Dreams #2 (which oddly enough involves an elephant)
- Top 10 Things to Tell Relatives Over the Holidays When Asked About Your Love Life
- The Secret
- Ryan Patrick: The Cutest MacNeil Brother

Until then, Happy Holidays from all of us here at the Redhead-Next-Door. Ok, there's just me here. But I'm sending lots of cheer - may all your holiday wishes come true! Yes, even THAT one.

**Good is a subjective opinion and may not be shared by all readers.

Red Light District Christmas

At work we're having a cubicle decorating contest. No wait, it gets better.

Prizes will be awared in 3 categories: "pretty", "tacky" and "funny". We threw "funny" in there because let's face it, what guy is going to want to do it for the "pretty"? Exactly.

So I decided (naturally) to go for the funny category because:
a) I'm funny (and apparently have a healthy self-esteem)
b) I like competing with the guys and then saying "who-ya!" when I win.

Then I got to thinking...what's funny about Christmas? Sure, immaculate conception. But not funny enough. Grandma getting run over by a reindeer. But it's been done to death [ahem]. Uncle Arnold getting sauced and then proclaiming he's drinking a warm cup of piss when really it's apple cidar. Hmmm, getting warmer [tee hee].

And then, it came to me...prostitutes!

What WOULD Christmas be like in the Red Light District? At least, in the extreme made up version because the harsh cold reality (much like being single during the holidays) is way too depressing.

I strung up some red icicle lights around the top of my cubcile (only half of them work which is so perfect). I placed a sad little spruce tree (think Charlie Brown) with pop can tabs and sugars packets for decorations at the entrance to my cubicle. Under neath the lights, I put two knee-high fishnet stockings (sugar plum in color). Beside the stockings...the piece de la resistance! I posted this little diddy that I wrote:

A Red Light District Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the streets
Not a creature was sturring, not even the deadbeats
The fishnet stockings were flung on the floor without care
In hopes that Nick soon would be there
To be continued...

I figure I'll write a bit more each week, with the whole story being completed by Christmas vacation.

I began "Operation Red Light District Christmas" at 4:30pm yesterday, after most of the staffers went home; so it will be a surprise when they get in on Monday. I'm out of the office Monday and Tuesday, so hopefully I have a job to come back to.

[Post Blog Note: Nicky if you're reading this, Nick is short for St. Nick so don't go getting any ideas]

All I Want For Christmas (Or At Least 90% Of It)

Saturday morning I got an email from my sister [and fellow blogger], Kirsten, asking me what I wanted for Christmas. To assist my sister (and anyone else who might be Christmas shopping for moi) I decided to do a list of...

The Top 10 Things I Want This Year for Christmas [in no particular order]:

1. T-shirts with slogans " Writer's do it with action verbs" and "You are so NOT going in my book" and "You don't want to know where I get my ideas".

2. A Sarcastic Ball from Office Playground. Sample messages include: "Dumb Question Ask Another", "In Your Dreams", "Not A Chance", "That's Ridiculous", "Yeah and I'm the Pope" and my personal fav "When Monkeys Fly Out Of My Butt". Ok, I made that last one up. It's not included but feel free to use it at your discretion.

3. To enjoy a old ol' fashioned turkey dinner the way it was meant to be tasted...without being pureed. Goodbye oral appliance! And while I [temporarily] have it out how about...

4. A passionate-as-hell kiss under the mistletoe. We're talking high-caliber front cover of the Harlequin romance novel type of kiss.

5. Swiss Army Knife multi-tool key-ring attachment, for the Single Handy Girl in all of us just waiting to get out.

6. Gift certificate for LaSenza.
I repeat, s-l-o-w-l-y, LaSenza.

7. Personal chef/ robot for those days I just don't feel like cooking. Ok, that would be just about everyday.

8. Toyota MR2 in cream (hey, a girl can dream!)

9. A one-year subscription to Glamour magazine. To stay in the know on "important" matters like the lastest blow-out techniques and aucurrent lipstick colors.

10. Big bag of Tangy Tarts. Mmmmmmm full of tangy tarty goodness.

Jiggle Bells

[to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"...}

Lunch bell rings...are you listenin'?
In the coffee shop, bagels glisten.
A beautiful sight, we're carb loading tonight.
I should be walking instead of sittin' on my ass.

Yes, dear readers. THAT picture (extreme right) was taken during our annual Supervisors Breakfast in October and provided the inspiration for the little didi I wrote above. Not that I didn't lick my lips at the pancakes and sausage and bacon (oh my!). I did. Should I have had seconds? Um, probably not.

I already have holiday eaters guilt and it isn't even December! I want to cringe instead of Kringle. [sigh] Sadly, now I am thinking of Pringles.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm heading into this holiday season single, with "D" day fast approaching. For all you marrieds and/or those in a committed shagging relationship, you might not know about D day (no no, not that one). For singles, D day usually falls at the end of the first week in December. We singles know that if we have not had at least a second date with someone by then, we will be officially single for the entire holiday season. That's Christmas AND New Year's Eve. That means no exchanging meaningless presents with a [could be special some day if one/both of you don't *** it up] someone, no groping about at office holiday parties, no playing sit on Santa's knee...er, you get the idea.

Not that I'm looking about anyway. You know, I'm working on the list and all that.

I've just been slightly unfocused lately. Which is so unlike me.

I guess I've got things on my mind. Like why my computer speakers no longer work for sound but will emit one side of a CB radio conversation. FYI - they say 10-4 a lot. And who will win the tacky-as-hell Dancing With the Stars trophy (please please be Mario). And how to forget about the sassy little size 5 black dress (maybe size 7 if I keep eating those bagels) that's just calling my name at Smart Set.

Plus, there's the whole novel thingy that I'm supposed to have half-way completed.

I guess there's only one thing I can do...

Bartender! I'll have a whiskey sour. And make it a double.**

** The Redhead-Next-Door does not condone drinking as a way to solve and/or forget about world problems/life concerns/fantasies about coworkers. But approves of drinking for it's intended medicinal use - writing an ok blog post.**