Friday, November 07, 2008

Can You Keep A Secret?

Ahhhh…this is the life. Right now I’m in my bedroom sitting on the chaise typing. I’m half-cuddled half-lounging on said chaise with a black faux fur throw. My wine glass is on the window sill beside me. Did I mention I’m typing? On a laptop! I like the little clicky clicky noise the keys make when I type. It’s very Carrie a la Sex In The City.

Mary (aka Undercover Mother) had suggested, no, implored me to get a laptop because my posts were dwindling down to infrequent dribble. Coincidentally my bank just upped the credit limit on my visa, so I debated maxing it out again just so I could have the luxury of writing a post whenever (and more importantly wherever) I wanted. I could have a whole post category for “bathroom posts”. Or “posts written while eating mustard.” The possibilities are endless really.

But I couldn’t bring myself to do it, to max out my credit card. I KNOW.

So instead, Paul brought home his laptop from work. Now I can have the thrill of typing in odd mustard enabling locations without the credit crunch. There’s only one catch…

I had to promise not to open any documents because there’s secret government stuff on Paul’s laptop. I KNOW.

So the first thing I thought was…there’s got to be ex-girlfriend stuff on here. And probably porn. When Paul said, “You need to promise not to open any documents on there,” was that guyspeak for “You need to promise not to snoop on there”?

Resist. Resist. But then, I saw it. The Recycle Bin, out of the corner of my eye. All full of electronic papery goodness. Taunting me. Resist. Resist. Might. Be. Secret. Government. Documents.

I HAD to peak (like you wouldn’t). And technically I didn’t break my promise. Because not once did I look at any documents. I only checked out the pictures. And technically I didn’t look AT them. I just changed the view to “thumbnails” so I could see without getting all double clicky. [Besides, I tried double clicking on them and FYI you have to restore things from the Recycle Bin if you want to view them].

And sure enough…there were pictures of his ex-girlfriends. And me. All parts of Paul’s life mixed up together. What did he see in them? It’s beyond me. Not that I have the best ex-boyfriend hall of fame. One of the differences between us is I have deleted, burned, tossed, and pawned almost every ex-boyfriend related memento I had. All part of the getting-over-your-ass philosophy I practiced (except the jewelry - my momma didn’t raise no fool). Paul’s more of a ho-hoarder. Exhibit A: our second date. It started to rain. I was dressed in a mini and a tee. Paul gave me a sweater to borrow, to stay warm. It was three sizes too big for me. But it was his “cousin’s” so I didn’t say a word. I quickly learned that “cousin” was Paul’s early dating code word for ex-girlfriend. The sweater was donated to charity (but I kept a pair of “her” designer sunglasses – my momma didn’t raise no fool).

Is it weird that I know the names of Paul’s ex-girlfriends but he couldn’t name one of mine (my ex-husband excluded)? I know how many girls Paul has slept with but he has never asked me how many guys I’ve been with. Maybe girls are just born with the need-to-know gene while guys remain oblivious. I’m sure Darwinism isn’t putting it high on the list of must-haves.

And yes, there was porn.



Hahaha...I'm glad you kept the "cousin's" designer sunglasses. ;) Also, on the topic of porn: I discovered some of my ex-boyfriend's porn purely by accident. I was kind enough to never mention it to him...until it was the subject of my latest post yesterday. (Funny thing, since seeing the post, said ex-boyfriend has NOT returned any of my e-mails...) Here's the link (I'm the second one down on the page) if you feel like comparing boyfriend porn stories, haha...

Delicieux said...

Wow. I told mine that I didn't want to know about exes because they will literally destroy me - the curiosity once I have small bits of information. I could tell you who they are, where they live, and what they do - because they would come up in conversations (yes, ex-biatch bashing is what I like to call it) cause they're all psycho.

However, I do find that I kept everything about mine private... there's the "guy that i dated on/off for 4 years" and the "one I dated from work" , you see - but no names, faces, or places. I guess he just really did not want to know.

You crack me up - cause it's EXACTLY what I would have done, given the opportunity!

Keep up the good sleuth work!

PS - at least the "cousins" shirt was 3 sizes too big! I would have DIED if it had been too small!

Erika said...

G: It would be a shame to punish the sunglasses, they can't help it ;) I'll definitely be checking out the link - thanks!

D: It's soooo true. Too big is way better than too small. ALWAYS. Tee hee.

Jami said...

But was it GOOD porn? Oh, come on - like you didn't look ... at all of it ...

Erika said...

Jami: Actually...I didn't (my 11 year old was at home). Knowing Paul, it was probably quite vanilla.