Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Fighting Fair

After 6 weeks of passionate bliss Liam and I are having our first fight [or "row" as the English say]. At least I think that's what this is.

Although, I thought I remembered fights being two sided, back and forth, and then lots of making up. I guess we've had two mini-versions of those types of fights which lasted all of 30 seconds (the two sided back and forth part and not necessarily the making out...er, I mean making up part).

This is different. He needs a few days to think. I'm not sure what happened exactly but apparently "it" got him thinking following our phone conversation yesterday morning. I was [admitedly] cranky and appologized in advance for [any] potential attitude. But mostly I was quiet. I didn't want my crankiness to rub off on him. (Yes, I really am THAT thoughtful).

I knew something was up today when I didn't hear from him until mid-afternoon. But I was thinking more along the lines of heavily involved in home renovation project, was in car accident, got deported, or (my favorite) was busy planning something sweet to cheer me up. If only...

And now, I feel like a woman possessed.

Normally, something like this wouldn't bother me. And I've come to the cold hard realization it's because I've never cared this much about any guy. Ever. Period. I love him.

I'm sick to my stomach. I can barely see through the tears to type this. And don't even get me started about the snot dripping from my nose right now.

To top it off the radio is playing songs like "Mad About You" by Belinda Carlisle.

I called, once. I emailed - the first time to say I "understood" (no, no, I don't really) and he could take a few days to think, and the second time to pour my heart out because I can't wait any longer. I fear telling him too much, or worse, not telling him enough.

It would be easier if I knew what was on Liam's mind. After all, I was president of my high school debate club. Perhaps I'm over reacting.

I feel so vulnerable and open. So this is why I usually keep that wall up around me.

I guess I'll just keep refreshing my email screen to see if he's replied. (Nope).

Arg. This sucks.

[Post Blog Update: My soul-baring and email screen refreshing have paid off. Liam is coming over after work. ]


Amy said...

Just when I started thinking men aren't so bad, you triggered some painful memories. Thanks for reminding me why men suck!

Keep your chin up Erika! No matter what happens, you'll be fine. Hugs.

Starboard Tack said...

I am not sure that I understand all the specifics -- but I would suggest you back away a bit.

If you have called once, and e-mailed twice, then do not do either again. If you act like "a woman possessed" you will certainly drive him away.

It is much better to act "hard to get" than to act like a crazy obsessed woman. It is really, really hard to do, but I strongly suggest you "play it cool" -- and let HIM come back to YOU.

Erika said...

Amy: No, men don't suck. We women just don't understand them sometimes. Despite today, I still adore him.

ST: Normally, I have no problem playing it cool. This is my first "possessed" experience. I guess I felt it was worth the risk letting him know how I feel. And I actually felt much better after my second email (the first was just one sentence).

Starboard Tack said...

I think sometimes (and I admit to doing this) we want something sooo much that we let it cloud our judgment.

I don't think one call and two e-mails are too much -- but I would definitely think so if you call and/or e-mail again.

I sometimes miss out on the relationships I want too much, because I let my desire for the relationship cloud my judgment (and I do stupid things -- which I only realize in retrospect).

Shameless said...

I hate it when this happens. A small argument left unresolved turns into the worst day of my life - I cry, I sob, I wail, thinking that it's all over and only to find that it is pretty much all in my head and the boy is not nearly as mad, as upset or as close to leaving me as I imagined and the reason he hasn't phoned or replied to the 101 emails, answer phone messages and texts that I send in the space of an hour is because really he has just been busy doing things. An hour is a long time to wait in these situations. I then feel silly. But better to feel a bit silly and letting him knowing how you feel than bottling it all up I reckon. Over dramatic? Me?..

Drama Queen said...

Wooh. Go easy on him. Sometimes women really need to see things from men’s point of view. When men go into their ‘caves’ its generally because they feel secure enough in a relationship to allow this space, without thinking the women will take offence.

Some of my friends (and me) make the mistake of getting all insecure when men pull away and set off to hunt them down and drag them back. Men hate this. They sometimes just need their space. Yes it makes us feel all emotional and needy and insecure but its best to hide this from them or they get more overwhelmed.

Sorry for the unsolicited advice. I just know all this to be true. I have had so many last night conversations with Boyfriend asking him how his mind works.

Hope it went well last night?

Ps and yes we Brits say ROW! Fight usually means physically.

Drama Queen said...

Last night? I mean late night. . .could never empty Boyfriend's brain in just one night!

Erika said...

ST: I understand what you mean about the desire of the relationship clouding one's judgement. I think we've all been there. I can't quite put it into words, but somehow this situation is different.

Shameless: I'm beginning to think that way. In the past, I was a classic bottler. It certainly never helped me in relationships (both romantic and otherwise). I say, say what's on your mind and in your heart. I'm slowly learning...

DG: I couldn't agree more! And yes, things went well last night. The world really does melt away when I'm in his arms. :) PS - thanks for the row vs. fight clarification!

Kirsten said...

I can't believe you're in love already. I shouldn't say too much because I fell in love with Troy very quickly. I asked him last night when did we start saying "I love you" he said he said it and I said, I not ready to say that yet... eek...