Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Undiscovered Dating Techniques #1: The Wedge

"Wedge" n. piece of material sloping to an edge. - v.t. fasten or split with a wedge; stick by compression or crowding. [According to Webster's...]

I picked up this little gem from my coworker Mary (aka Undercover Mother). Now I consider myself a singleton in the know, but I'd never heard it referenced quite this way before. It's another tool for the dating belt/box/shed. One should proceed with extreme caution when putting this method into action. Again, I stress, extreme caution.

Ever wondered occassionally (ok daily!) why a coworker, friend, or local minister...is going out with her? (Or why is she going out with him, or why is he going out with him, she going out with her, they going out with them, etc etc). You know who I mean, the two peas in a pod are blooming inseperable. He's gaga over her, dispite her lisp and penchant for corduroy jumpers. But you're way prettier. And funnier. But more importantly...you're smarter. Being cursed with smarts, means formulating a plan when you need it most, usually to get what you want.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will have you getting what you want (the prize, er... I mean guy) for a price (self-respect and possibly your reputation). To paraphrase Mary's tidbit of info... you become the "third wheel". Always being around. They go golfing..you're there (asking for help with your swing ;) They go to the movies...you're there (buy popcorn then you have an "excuse" to sit between them...I mean you don't want to be rude and not share!). They go to the therapist...ok you can sit that one out.

Point is, all the while you're being your pretty, funny, smart self. And then, wham bam thank you Mary, he realizes he doesn't want her. You're the answer to his one-handed prayers.

Possible side effects of this technique include:
- bar room brawls
- plastic surgery (but only if her fist makes direct contact with your skin)
- guilt
- karma...one day becoming the "wedgie" instead of the "wedger"...being a wedger is one thing, I don't think anyone wants to be a wedgie

Now you can imagine my reaction when Mary finished telling me about this technique. Yes, part of it sounded a bit off but I actually considered giving it a go (prior to writing my list). And I knew precisely the couple to wedge.

The guy, we'll call him Dr. Ashley, had been my professor in university (please note: there's only a 3 year age difference). We'd met up for drinks every now and again. The last time I'd seen him was at her office Christmas party. (Side bar: I'd been invited by a computer techie I was seeing at the time. No chemistry. Moving on). I had a "contact" who worked the front desk at the gym Dr. Ashley works out at. My plan was to see if he went around the same time every day and then I could oh-so-casually bump into him. Glitch #1: Dr. Ashley hadn't been there in months. Plan B was to email him and say I'd heard he'd taken the plunge and proposed to her (although the good doctor swore up and down during our hard lenonade rendezvous he would never marry her). Glitch #2: They were bloody well engaged. Glitch #3: I was semi-happy for Dr. Ashley. So she wasn't perfect. She wasn't me. I kind of actually liked her (way deep down). Besides, was this any way to treat a fellow redhead? Even if her hair desperately needed a hot oil treatment.

So there you have it. I have a conscience. It's dusted off.

1 comment:

Adam said...

Mmmmm, corduroy jumpers and a lisp...now I'm all hot and bothered.

Welcome to single of the week! You've got some good stuff here...keep it up. I'll be back.