Monday, January 26, 2009

Eau de Toilette

[ washroom]

Friday, 5:31 pm

Occupant: 1

There's nothing better than the feeling you get on a Friday, 2 minutes after quiting time. Your mind is on auto pilot. You're thinking about unwinding with a glass of white wine, knitting and crazy weekend sex.

Nothing interupts this prelude to the weekend quicker than the slapping realization that the toilet won't flush. It's not that the toilet is broken (or worse, clogged beyond plunger salvation). No, the flusher handle is just...not...working.

So, you jiggle the flusher handle. It's loose when clearly there should be toilet flushing tension. Being the handy gal you are, you decide to inspect. Off goes the toilet lid. Ah ha! There's the problem. The chain (which is supposed to be connected to the flusher handle) has come off. You quickly try to reattach said chain to said flusher.

Unfortunately when you pick it up, this causes a chain reaction [tee hee] and the toilet to flush. This in itself is a good thing, this with the toilet lid off...not so much.
So now you're trying to reattach a chain onto a metal arm with a soft gentle toilet spray showering over you. And what's a girl to do when toilet water gets in your eyes? You drop the chain of the flusher into the toilet tank ofcourse. Because of the sheer force of the flush the chain gets sucked partially down into the toilet pipe.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Not one to give up, you push up the sleeve of your coat and reach your arm way way down, into the bowels [tee hee] of the toilet tank reaching for the chain. Playing chicken with the dirty toilet tank water and your wool blend swing jacket. Your finger tips reach...and yes! You got it! You are awesome. And it's Friday. And you're going to have crazy weekend sex. You almost forgot.

Oops. All that grabbing and yanking the chain causes the toilet to spray a fine mist of tank water again. All over your nice coat. And clothes. And maybe a little bit in your hair. Like you got caught in a brief summer shower...of toilet water.

Not normally one to throw in the towel (or in this case, have one on hand) you know when you've reached your handy girl limit, and gracefully bow in defeat. After all, it's Friday at 5:35 pm and no one's gonna miss the flusher until Monday. Just a quick hand scrub stands between you and crazy weekend sex.

One push of the soap dispenser...and the soap has shot out and onto the crotch of your pants. Now, in addition to being covered in a fine mist of eau ew de toilette, you have a white foamy blob on your trousers. You use paper towel to rub and absorb, but it makes it worse, speading it around in to a bigger white pastey blob on your crotch. Crazy weekend sex? Right now you'd settle for a crazy weekend shower.


Kenya said...

You just made my day LOL. It reminds me of one time when I was working in a convenience store. The toilet tank kept overflowing. So me and the assistant manager decided to unleash our handy girl skills and fix it.

So we open the top of the tank, and see that there is a plastic cover thing missing off of a tube(we did not at the time know what the peice was for). The missing cover was at the bottom of the tank, so we decided to avoid having to plunge our arms in toilet water and plush the toilet to empty the tank.

At first all went according to plan, the water receded, and I reached in for the cover while my friend leaned over the tank watching.

When the started to re-fill, we realized immediatly the purpose of the plastic cover as a geyser of toilet water shoots out of the tubs, soaking us both. The in true style, we slipped on the floor trying to get out of the way of the geyser. we ended up just outside the bathroom, soaked laughing our a$$es off. But we had the cover and fixed the problem.

the week after the district manager came over to randonly review security tapes. When we heard her burst out laughing from the office, we knew which one she had watched.

Amy said...

Why not have both? Call it "crazy weekend shower sex".

Erika said...

Kenya: I'm glad I'm not alone (and that I wasn't caught on camera!)

Amy: Man, why didn't I think of that?

Kirsten said...

This can't be completely true, you embellished a little, right? If not, even a little & this story is completely true, we need to discuss the message God is trying to send you.

Erika said...

Kiki: I'm glad God has a sense of humor.