Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Waiter, I'll Have A Salad

"In the vegetable garden of love, which veggie best sums up your single's attitude?" Yes, it's thought provoking questions like these [posed by LavaLife's online dating magazine] that keep me up at night pondering the answer to singleville's little questions. It's right up there with "if you were an animal what would you be?" Ok, I have been known to ask guys this pre-first date, but only to sort out the labs from the dobermins, er...I mean sort out the gentlemen from the weirdos or certifiably insane.

So let's get to it shall we?

Here's my summary (so you can avoid reading the whole article - you'll thank me). And in true Redhead-Next-Door style, I've added in some of my own comments and suggestions for people attracted to these vegetables. I mean people.

The Mushroom:
Pros: You have a versatile, diverse outlook, dry sense of humor, cute-as-a-button temperament, not shy in bed and love making mastery has been known to cause hallucinations and fantasies
Cons: Earthy mysteriousness (not to be mistaken as earthy mustiness), potentially bad roots
Suggestions: Deodorant and frequent visits to hair salon, limit walks in woods
Warning: Mushrooms may cause fantasies

The Cucumber:
Pros: You keep things real and raw in a relationship (hopefully this does not include cooking meals), shape of body can arouse people from across the room much like the effect Austin Power's mojo has on women with names that sound like naughty-bits
Cons: Can appear standoffish, tough, thick-skinned exterior, you play it cool
Suggestions: Always cook meat until well done, use lotion to soften tough skin
Warning: Austin Powers-like effect

The Potato:
Pros: Chill-axin' kind of person, take note - have eyes in the back of your head
Cons: A bit of a homebody, somewhat lazy in the sack, have an attitude for every occasion
Suggestions: Make potato salad, the spicy kind.
Warning: Anything that conjurs the phrase "chill-axin'" can't be good

The Pea:
Pros: A total people person (as opposed to a half a people person – I’ll spare you by not naming which half). Like smaller, tight quarters as opposed to massive ones (i.e. nightclub). Sweet, cuddly personality.

Accused of being a close talker, occasionally snap [at lovers who get too mushy about the relationship]. You keep things fresh and crisp.
Who cares?
Objects in mirror are even closer in real life than they appear.

The Onion
Injects pearls of wisdom into exuberant 5 minute talks in crowded rooms.
Cons: Dramarama! Love to make dates laugh and cry. Can be tricky getting to know the sweet, juicy core behind your layered exterior.
Wear less layers – I know it’s winter but a turtleneck and a sweater? Forgetaboutit!
Leaves crowds exhausted, much like reading this blog post.

The Carrot
Pros: No-strings attached kind of person, fiery, showy/ colourful personality [read: not good looking], speak your mind.
Cons: No-strings-attached kind of person, has a tendency to stew about things.
Suggestions: Instead of stew, try meatballs. Make ‘em spicy.
Warning: Paper bag might be required.

The Asparagus
Spring is your favorite season, when new love blossoms so easily <**gag**>. Believe yourself to be sexually spectacular. Have a natural breaking point when clinginess starts to set in. Keep a tight bunch of friends, and depend on them to keep you in line.
Lovers tell you that whiffs of your musky love permeate them the day after.
Showers (for you and your lovers), and maybe some new friends.
Avoid spring unless on a constant diet of Gravol.

Despite LavaLife's neat little pros and cons (and my witty suggestions/warnings) dare I say that I'd rather date a combination of veggies, and not one in particular (though the mushrooms are tempting). Therefore, I guess my single's attitude is having a soft spot for a salad-type lad. If such a salad exists. I mean guy. I wonder what the options are for dressing? Waiter, don't forget the cheese!

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