Sunday, December 31, 2006

Top 10 Things to Tell Relatives Over the Holidays When Asked About Your Love Life

In retrospect, this information probably would have more useful prior to any holiday get-togethers with family and friends so that you could actually use any of these one line zingers should the occasion warrant. Oh well, timing was never my forte, just ask my ex-husband.

Warning: The following material is to be used with caution and while consuming alcohol - it'll make you sound much more believable. In fact people will feel so sorry for your [potentially] new found alcoholism that they probably won't probe any further. Yes, it's that easy. Above all, have fun with it. These are only ideas, but the possibilities are as endless as your imagination, and your supply of Argentinian wine.

Top 10 Things To Tell Relatives Over the Holidays When Asked About Your Love Life:
- Fabulous! In fact, there's someone I want you to meet [turn to the empty space beside you] and say "Brad [or other imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend's name] this is [name of nosey relative]. " You need to keep a straight face for this one.
- Do you think Mary ever asked Jesus about his love life?
- My therapist told me not to talk about him.
- "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh." If they ask you what that means say "That's Wookiee for none of your business."
- I was captured by a couple tall TALEs (Terrorists Against Love Everywhere). They implanted a tiny microchip into my brain. If I go out on a date again [narrow your eyes at this point for effect], the chip will self-destruct and I will die a painful death, more painful than watching any Madonna movie.
- My gynecologist told me not to talk about him. (Note: might only work if you're a girl).
- Ponder out loud, "What would Brian Boitano do?" And then do a triple axel in the direction of the kitchen.
- Say, "Hey, how's your sex life going?"

Ok, I know that's only 8 but what kind of relatives are you dealing with that you need 10? I'm not a machine you know. But I do like mechanics ;)


Anonymous said...

Have a little fun with it. For the type who are really judgmental regarding your single status, the kind who think there has to be something wrong with you if you are single, this could fix them. Tell them that you are seeing someone but it's just for the sex. Then say that "SHE" is amazing in bed.

OK, I probably would never say that. I live in a very small place and the whole town would hear about it in about 5 min, almost instantly reducing my chances of ever getting laid (by a man) again. Maybe don't try that one.

Anonymous said...

you get bonus points for using the wookie reference. well, bonus points amongst us geeks. well, okay. just with me. i haven't consulted the rest of the geeks yet.

Kirsten said...

Too Funny. I bursted out in laughter twice. The wookie one and the triple axle were my personal favorites. I would pay good money to see one of those quotes in action. Condition: straight face is a must :-)

Erika said...

Amy: Actually, I don't think my family even bothers to ask anymore. They know when I meet someone worth chatting about, I will.

Sean: I like getting bonus points as much as I like geeks :) (That's a lot by the way).

Kirsten: Yeah, I'm partial to the trriple axel reference myself. But you know how our family is - they wouldn't get who Brian is, I'd have to change the name to Wayne Gretzky.