Monday, June 11, 2007

Undiscovered Dating Techniques #5: Wrestlemania

This technique was a tip from Undercover Mother.

What you are about to read is the most up-to-date dating [etc] techniques unknown to womankind. If you are a guy and reading this...STOP. It makes it harder for us girls to work our "ways" on you when you know what said "ways" are. Besides, you'll thank me for it when you're on the receiving end of this kind of action. Yes, ACTION. Now go spend some quality time in the bathroom with the new towels (the extra soft ones).

Ok, now that the guys are gone I can tell you that my good friend Hulk Hogan is going to be helping me demonstrate these dating techniques. It's a shame the guys aren't reading this post. I bet they'd really like Hulk Hogan. Or at least all this talk about spandex.

Hulk Hogan: "Thanks for having me here Big Red. Ooooooo yeah!"

RND: "Uh...Hulky, isn't that the catch phrase of your former arch enemy Macho Man Randy Savage? And remember, I told you never to call me Big Red again."

So ladies, you're out at da club and you spot a hunk. Naturally, you want to get his attention away from the local skanks. Take a page from the Hulkster and ... [see below]

Use this face too.

I call it the "Grin and Bare It" technique.

Now that will REALLY get his attention.

HH: "I pity the fool!"

RND: "Um, doesn't Mr. T say that?"

HH: "I pity the drunk fool."

RND: "Better."

However, if your boy-toy's eyes are skank-afied like Captain Kirk on an alien planet looking to boldly go where no man's gone before, then it's time for Plan B...aptly named, the "Breast Press".

Warning: This particular technique should only be used if you have a good sized set of knockers, ie. at least a C cup. Or a B cup (but only if he's really short).

HH: "Who-ya Master Chief!"

RND: [unimpressed] "GI Jane"

So he's still not getting it huh? Are you sure you're trying!

Ok, this is a fail safe. It's called the "Flying ****" [see below]. Honey, if he doesn't get it...he's either dead, or dumb. And you don't want either (but especially the latter).

HH: "If you believe in yourself..."

RND: [interrupts] "Come on! Billy Blanks?"

So there you have it. A few new "moves" to add to your repertoire. Please consult with your physician before attempting any of the moves depicted above which were developed by trained professionals and then taught to wrestlers.

Or, as one guy suggests, you could just walk up to the guy and say "Hi, I like you. You must like me 'cause I'm adorable. So, let's skip the horseshit and jump to getting to know each other better."

Hmmm...simple and direct with the promise of physical action. It's so crazy, it just might work.


Peter DeWolf said...

Those pics are giving me flashbacks to my youth.

Poor Andre.

Now I have Hulk's theme song stuck in my head.

Erika said...

Peter: Psst. You're a boy. Do thoughtful warnings and potential for action mean nothing anymore?