Saturday, June 23, 2007

What Not To Wear: The Bathing Suit Edition

Yesterday I went shopping [shock and horror]. I'm on a very strick budget so I shopping isn't something I do very often. (Can you call it a budget when it means you have no money after you pay your bills?)

My closet has become the final resting place for items with holes, rips, alterations-gone-wrongs, and doesn't-quite-fit-rights. Most of my clothes can be placed in one of three categories: will pass for work, will pass for workout and will pass only in the comfort of my own home on "fat days".

I'll be the first to admit, I hate shopping. Much like looking for a suitable man to date, I find there's not enough choice in the area I live, and I know what I want but none of the stores are selling it. Ironically, I have a picnic date on Tuesday evening and was looking for something that says "I'm the most delicious thing on this blanket".

I tore through three shops in under 30 minutes, trying on at least 30 items. The clothes were flying, the swear words were flying. It was not one of my finer moments. Some things fit, some things didn't. But mostly they didn't. A size "small" fit great around my waist but was snug on my biceps (thanks to my Billy band workouts) and smooshed my boobs for that "bodice on a bar wench" look. And don't even get me started on my ghetto booty a$$ that just won't quit.

So, I decided to switch gears and hunt down a bathing suit for next weekend's Canada Day bash (if there's ever a time to flaunt your jugs, it's in a swim suit). Mistake! I tried on 6 bikini's and a one-piece [shudder]. Let's just say, the only place a girl wants to see saddle bags, is on a horse.

I left the mall feeling like crap.

By the time I arrived at the hair salon, I was drained. I asked my hair dresser for something different, something "polished". And for the first time that day, I got exactly what I wanted.

If nothing else, I'll have amazing hair on my date. On second thought, bar wench boobs might not be so bad...


Amy said...

Believe me when I say that there is someone out there who hates shopping more than you. I loathe shopping. I still have not spent any of my Christmas clothes shopping money. The last time I can remember buying a complete outfit was for Troy and Kirsten's wedding. I have another family wedding to go to in August and I've already been stressing out about shopping for a few months now.

Oh...and I have to ask; where the heck did you find that atrocious photo. No friggin' wonder I hate shopping. If the jeans look that shitty on the manikin, what would they look like on an actual body?

Erika said...

I did a google search for "J-Lo Mannequin" - they've created a new line of mannequins with da-booty for those of us that are well-ass-endowed.

Kirsten said...

I'm still trying to get over, your statement that you don't like shopping. I love shopping. It's fun, it burns calories and when you find your stride, well look out world (or bank account). The above is the reason I stay clear of the malls. I go in for one item, I end up with 5 purchases, minimum.

I've seen your clothes, you have lots of nice, pretty items. I would recommend your Old Navy dress. That's sexy and summer wear. Good luck on the picnic!

Charlene said...

YOU HATE SHOPPING!!?? I had to stop reading after that line! I was shocked/ mortified!
We have been friends for a LONG time and I had no idea. It's the solution for everything. Need a pick me up -go shopping, just plain bored -go shopping, need a break from the kids -go shopping. Even grocery shopping is fab with all these big box stores!
I just can't imagine my life without it!!

Erika said...

Kiki and Char: I like shopping when I'm "in the mood" meaning: a) I have money, b) it's a "non-fat day" c) I have an itemized list and d) I get items on itemized list. Grocery shopping is the onlu shopping I love. Somehow I always seem to manage to find food like like :)